Insecure, Incapable and Inferior

I am stuck and not sure how to move forward. I read this quote the other day,

It takes the same amount of energy to wish for something as it does to plan for it.

Eleanore Roosevelt

She was a smart cookie.

The outside me feels pretty darn good, nice nails, goodish hair, slimmer clothes, good stamina and great skin. I couldn’t say that a year and a half ago. I have made great Edmonton Tourist style progress and feel quite proud of what I have accomplished thus far. Lately, the inside me is just not feeling it.

I found out some information that would have made a HUGE difference to my life if I knew about it one year ago. And ya, I am a bit angry and bitter about it. So what do I do with this information now? The reasonable answer is to accept it, move forward and peaceably. However, it makes me feel insecure, incapable and inferior, ESPECIALLY inferior and that annoys me. I have a decent amount of self confidence on a normal day, lately…not so much.

This is affecting my day to day living and I need to snap out of it except:

  • Work feels weird, like I should be walking on egg shells or I’m outathere! Not by my choosing but it feels different like I am doing something wrong and no one will tell me. The crazy thing is, I work with people who have no problem telling me if I am doing something wrong, so maybe it is just perception on my part.
  • Friendships feel weird, like I am walking into a conversation about me and everyone stops talking. It’s not really happening like that…but it has that weird feeling.
  • University feels weird. I get my assignments, do them, get my marks back and I feel like I didn’t earn them. They are great marks but it feels weird. I have a major project due asap and I have re-done it 7 times. SEVEN TIMES! I am NOT that person who re-does stuff!! I do things once and hand it in, I will proof read it, miss a ton of stuff like Capitalization, get marked down for thatand still get a brilliant mark…but it feels weird.

It could be because what I WANT and what I HAVE just don’t measure up yet. I can SEE where I want to be and I am a good year away from being there. It was suggested to me to write down my goals and make a plan to get there. The goal I have, it is the plan that is difficult because so much of it is reliant on other people and their pieces that need to fall into place. It’s like waiting for rope drop at Disneyland. Time ticks away and I am anxious to start now!!!

I guess I need to write my plan. First of all, come hell or high water I NEED to get my 8th version of my project done, hand it in without over thinking it and wait for feedback. I feel like Mozart and his death requiem, how he couldn’t get it just right and it was killing him. Dramatic…absolutly, but you know how it is when something hangs over your head and you HAVE to get it done? Well that is this project. I have had a couple of set backs and -HOLD THE PHONE – I just had an epiphany. I know why I am having a hard time with this project! It just dawned on me. The person who I need to ultimately hand it in to announced her retirement and I am devastated. Extreme…absolutly, but for those who know her understand. Wow, I am crying just thinking about this being the reason. If anyone says you can’t work out problems by writing, they are liars. Writing is cathartic – well for me anyways.

Earlier today, I received an email at just the right time in my life. (I haven’t heard from my bestie in a while, the odd text message now and then. They just got back from a fabulous trip and I felt left out which is RIDICULOUS but true. It adds to the Insecure, Incapable and Inferior complex I am suffering from lately.) Anyways… I read this email. I was nominated for another blogger award. I understand that these are chain mail yadda yadda yadda, but she wrote THIS about me:

5.  The Edmonton Tourist.  The first thing I like about this blog is its premise — the idea of being a tourist in your life, taking more risks, being more aware and more stimulated and more curious, just like we are when we’re in a strange place or strange circumstances.  I love her dry humor and constant ability to reach for the silver lining, without being self-righteous about it.  E.T. has the kind of presence and poise about her — and her writing — that I suspect would draw me to her as a friend were we to ever meet.

Wow wow wow… I really needed to hear that today. Thank you so much That Precarious Gait! I am touched beyond words and I feel the same :)

So to end this post with a silver lining, I must list the women I am thankful for in my life. They have made a HUGE differnce for me over the past few days:

Barbie Arm, Chicken Hawk, Crayonmelterhoarder, Chatterbox, Life Coach and 1/2Marathon Coach. You ladies have the unique ability to know at just the right moment when I need some girly love and hugs. xoxo me

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About The Edmonton Tourist

One day I woke up and was decidedly unhappy about the way my life was heading. I decided I needed a change. When I travel I often take new risks, be flexible and am generally adventurous. So, I decided that I need to start being a Tourist in my Own life and not just on vacation. I am many things but the new role for me is Tourist.

9 thoughts on “Insecure, Incapable and Inferior

  1. Want to know something else ironic? I’ve been in a meeting all night and have tried at various breaks to read this post on my phone, but I could only seem to get 3/4 of the way through, so it wasn’t until I finally got home and in bed that I saw that you’d seen my post! :-) Lol.

    I want to say, regarding the part at the beginning and the new information… Obviously I don’t have any idea what the information pertains to, but in reading your words about how it’s made you feel, it reminded me of when I have a crisis of faith. By that I don’t mean a crisis having to do with God, necessarily, although that’s certainly one kind. For me, it’s been about a shaking up of some fundamental truth or belief that I felt so secure in and sure of that I’d built a lot of my expectations and ideas about myself around it. But then when it seems like maybe it’s not true…. what does that say for the rest of what I believe about myself? It all feels like a house built on sand. I wander around feeling like I’m not sure who exactly I am or what I know for sure. These kinds of times make me irritable and uncertain. But I’m not sure there is anything to do but press through it and be mindful of the experience.

    As for your plans, I had a wise, successful woman tell me recently that roadmaps are for people who have no imagination. It is far better, she said, to set your sights on the goal in the distance and not take your eyes off it, than to worry about the details of precisely how you get there. Focus your eyes, and the rest of your body will follow. The exception to this rule, she said, was if you need to actually DO something to make that goal happen, like get another degree or move to another part of the country, etc. Those are good examples of how you have to do your share, but the parts that are reliant on others, you just need to keep your focus steady and true. I’m still digesting this advice, but I thought I’d share it in case it resonates with you.

    Good luck. I hope you feel more like yourself again soon.

    TPG

    • I had to let this sit with me before I could comment. You always provide very wise insight. The advice on goals is very much the way I view them, but in some instances planning is the important part. Writing them down gives them power. Now if only I coculd manipulate others in my evil plan, I could dominate the world MUHAHAHAHAHA…kidding…but it would be a hell of a lot easier ;) Acceptance and vision is my task for today!
      Thank you for more then you will ever know!
      xoxoxox

  2. I think we all feel that way sometimes. Is it the planets aligning just so? A full moon, perhaps? Maybe it’s just hormonal! Whatever the reason, I know how those funks feel and, thank goodness, they are always temporary. Hope you feel better soon!

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