I have become proficient enough with swimming that I am able to lose myself in thought as I do endless laps. It is not until I hit the 45min mark that I need to come back to focus and concentrate on form so I don’t drown. Ending all this hard work by drowning would really be disappointing for me. Being in the moment and focusing on the swim itself is pretty boring, so I am happy I can let my mind wander. Today’s thoughts had me thinking and reflecting on what Trophi Girl said during my yoga session last night.
The thoughts for connecting body, mind and soul in yesterdays yoga practice we centered around acceptance of change.
When I started this journey, all I knew was I wanted to change things up. I really had no idea what I wanted and where I should start. 8 months later, I have definite ideas about what I want and how I am going to get there. With one exception, I cannot control every thing in the universe. For those of you who know me well, you can understand why I find this so frustrating. Polly said to me the other day, you always get what you want, don’t you? I want to say yes. I know it sounds like I am akin to Dr. Evil, getting what I want and controlling the universe. Reading this, I sound quite selfish. In my last university course I had to analyze my personality type. I discovered I am an Influencer.
Qualities of Influencer Personality Type: outgoing, charismatic, charming, humorous, spirited energy, talkative with purpose (meaning can easily change the topic of conversation to diffuse a situation or bring about a certain energy – in other words CONTROLLING)
So Polly, do I always get what I want? Um…No. If I did I would be the Emperor of the Universe. It doesn’t say that on my business card. If I think something is reasonable, I will go after it and most likely get it. I will not use all means necessary to achieve something. I try to be respectful, kind and thoughtful. That doesn’t mean I haven’t ever done something horrifying and shameful to achieve a personal goal, because I have and quite frankly, I am not proud of that.
This leaves me with a troubling thought: For a girl like me who loves to control things and get her way, accepting things I cannot change is my biggest challenge to date. Let’s just face facts, it down right pisses me off! Not in an angry way, but there is this feeling in my chest that feels like a broken heart or an aching heart. It is hard to describe. I can clearly see what I want. I cannot force the universe to give it to me. Therefore I must accept what I cannot change. I need to move in a certain direction and let fear of the unknown stay by the side of the road as I move forward. I need to trust things will turn out the way they are meant to be.
I think that is called faith.