Confession time: I am a Gleek.
Tonight, Chatterbox and I watched the hour and a half episode where the lesson learned is love self. It started out in a shocking way, Schue asked everyone to write on a white t-shirt in graphic black letters something about yourself that you are not proud of or happy with. Something that people may not know about you. Chatterbox asked me what would be on my shirt. Wow, insightful Chatterbox! AND feels a little bit painful to me. She said Nose would be on her T-Shirt because of the way it looks in pictures. There isn’t a single thing I would change about her. Isn’t that the way we see others? Why are we so hard on our self? That had me thinking about what would be on my T-Shirt.
Not good enough
I am not really sure where that came from. From the time I was little I knew I was completely different from everyone else. Not athletic enough, hair not pretty enough, not quite smart enough, not thin enough, and certainly not nice enough. I felt crappy enough about myself to actually lie about me to feel better. Harsh but true. I had an instinctual feeling about change. I figured if I wanted to BE something, act like I AM something, then I would eventually Be. Huh… Not quite the way it intended. I never ever intended to be anything but authentic. Influences of others, choices we make led down a road where the destination is less than expected. It’s like planning a trip to Paris and only getting as far as Nowheresville, Alberta. So incredibly disappointing and down right depressing. The good news is Nowheresville is a pit-stop and NOT the destination! I chatted with a gal today that said to Chatterbox, “Let’s make a list of all the positives and build on that!” Wow, that is just good common sense! I need to do that. Let’s look at my Not good enough list and compare, shall we?
Not Athletic enough – true I was never going to make into the Olympics, however, I can swim for an hour everyday! I need to be able to walk 3K to start the half marathon clinic and I can walk 5K easily! Suddenly, I AM Athletic enough! Well done me!
Hair not pretty enough – true it was never long, blonde and straight. However, It is soft, shiny and fluffy. Old ladies who use Toni permanent love it. So, the good news is someone loves it!
Not quite smart enough-true that I perceived myself as not smart enough when in fact, I just never ever EVER studied or did homework. I never applied myself enough to be brilliant. By not doing ANYTHING I had grades of mid 60s to mid 70’s. That tells me I AM smart enough. The good news is I decided to prove to myself that I was smart enough and now I work hard and am maintaining high honors in University. Again, well done ME!
Not thin enough – true that I am Pooh sized, as in Winnie the Pooh. I was thin for a brief anorexic period in high school. The good news, being athletic enough NOW has let me drop 40lbs and 2-almost 3 clothing sizes. I may never have my ribs showing, but one day I’ll be a grandma, and grandma’s love to cuddle. No one wants to cuddle a bag of bones…just saying…
Certainly not nice enough – I always believed I was but was constantly being told I wasn’t nice enough. I was a lot like Lucy from the peanuts. I will not blow sunshine up your wohoo to make you feel good, I will be honest and kind to best of my ability. I will never purposely hurt or offend you. It pains me tremendously when I cause others pain. I cry and internalize it forever. If I could fix it I would. If I have ever hurt you, I am sorry from the deepest depth of my soul. There is a saying “the ones you hurt the most are the ones you love the most.” That is certainly true – unintentional but true.
I have this burning drive to fix and change so much in my life. It is like I am running to catch a train I am really late for. It makes me wonder why I have this need to change so quickly. I am going to school to feed my ambition for work. I am eating better and moving more to be healthy. I am investigating spiritual thoughts more vigorously than before. Mind, Body and Soul has become part of my journey in full force.
And all I wanted was a little change…
I need one more thing for completeness. I think it might be forgiveness. It’s that NESS I need.
So on my Gleek Shirt I think I would write:
Not Good Enoughness