I am Looking for a New Friend…with a Side of Caution and a Bowl of Respect

A doormat no more. That is my motto, at least I am attempting to live by those rules. I have had a very difficult year. I had a decision to make and I put it off because quite frankly it is was easier and somewhat more comforting not to have to make the decision that I KNOW is good for me, than to have to make a choice that could potentially change everything.

I was at my Dietician’s office today, and visiting her and my life coach always brings about further thought and exploration. I ran into my life coach at the same office, it feels like running into an old and dear friend. I love her! She is kind, smart and respectful. This is something I need more of in my life. RESPECT. My Dietician and I spoke to the emotional eating issues I am facing. I am still chugging along but lately things have come to a head. I did some things about it this week.

I said good by to people who suck energy from me. I told one person at point blank range, that I could no longer be the person they needed me to be. It was hard. The truth of the matter was, they could not be the person I needed them to be. I needed to face facts. I love this person to the core of my soul, but I have to walk away. You can only give so much. Then you need stuff in return to replenish the well. I can’t wait for promises to be kept only to know it will never happen. Track records speak for themself. The reality is people don’t typicallyΒ change their core. You can improve and develop what you have if you really want to. Respect people’s time. Respect their level of commitment to you. Respect their feelings. Respect their children. Respect their time…did I say that already? If you SAY you are doing something DO IT. Don’t promise the moon and then not produce…not cool. Pie crust promises are just soul sucking. Easily made, easily broken. I guess the bottom line is I wasn’t as important to them as they were to me. That hurts.

Now that I have washed my hands of that situation, I cannot tell you how light and lovely I feel. Knowing is freeing. I am not as sad as I thought I would be. I was far more emotional while i was trying to decide what to do. Once the decision was made, it was very business like and comfortable. I like that. Do I wish things were different? Absolutely, but wishing is not the same as achieving. I cannot control someone elses behavior. You BET I want that skill, but alas…I am not magic.

With all the drama that has been circulating around both on WordPress and in my personal and work life, I am thankful for the peaceful moment I currently have.

Breathe with me <inhale through the nose> <exhale though the mouth> Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh better? I think so.

My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. I realize I wasn’t ready to let go. I have made major changes to my core and need to respect myself too. Now it’s all good and time to make new friends with a side of caution and a bowl of respect.

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19 thoughts on “I am Looking for a New Friend…with a Side of Caution and a Bowl of Respect

  1. You are right in that it is very hard to make our own inner changes…and they can cost us in ways we do not expect too. I am a bit older than you I think, I am 56, but when i was 49 I returned to the Catholic Church, where I had been raised until I was 15. So it was 35 years later but I felt for many reasons drawn there, scandals or not, internal struggles or not, and yet that decision has turned out to be a blessing for me. WELL…

    Whether one agrees or disagrees with me is one thing, but what I found was that some people JUST could not respect it. I got letters from a few family members or friends, arguments one year at Thanksgiving from a brother (and then a sister who chimed in) who happens to be agnostic, and the like. It almost seemed like a family intervention and I finally had to tell them so. I was never pushy about it, and still am not. But they felt the need to push ME as though I was the little boy they once knew instead of a middle-aged fairly intelligent adult.

    I had to finally cut off the conversation, not just that particular day but in general, at least to an extent. I respect them, and still do. But they need to respect me as well. Like you, I tend to be “nice” and then get ulcers or whatever by internalizing that pain. I have found over the years that just giving in for the sake of peace has been my way of preserving relationships. I still think that is okay to some extent, but not always. And at times I have had to eventually, and painfully, say goodbye to people I no longer could relate to and who drained me physically and spiritually. NOT fun but yes, it is freeing.

    And my point here is not so much about being Catholic as just using that as an example for how much our inner changes, particularly at mid-life, seem to throw others into a crisis!!! I was somewhat naive about that one I guess. But we all learn.

    All this to say, good for you. You must choose what you think is best and those people in your life who truly accept you will still do so. Those who will not, changes of some kind eventually have to be made. Another example is that I am also more conservative politically than in the past but come from a family who put the “L” in liberal. And that too is “unacceptable” by some of their standards. What I find is I seldom if ever bring it up but they do, and very freely I notice.

    What I have found though, is that I have lost a friend or two but gained many more in this process of working on myself. The trickiest part is family however. I am the youngest of 8 (7 living) and I find that several of them mistakenly think I am still 10 or so, age-wise. And yet even with family you have to eventually stop being that doormat too or it kills who you are. RESPECT is what it is all about, and it needs to be mutual.

    You wrote some good stuff here. Many thanks.

    1. THank you! It’s hard to walk that road of self and self-respect. Judgement of others often requires selfreflection of self. I will quiestion myself in these situations be believing my convictions is now priorty. Mayve age does have something to do with it.
      Thanks Richard πŸ™‚

  2. I have spent the last few months “letting go” of a few friends that I realize were there only when THEY needed ME! Then the second I need some back up, or an ear to listen, they were off to their next adventures. At first, I thought I’d be terribly lonely without them, but now I have learned, I am lighter. I was taking on their burdens while keeping all mine to myself… good riddance! EHarmony should branch out of the “love game” and venture into the world of “best friends” LOL Then we could hand pick the ones that come with a side of caution and a bowl of respect.

  3. This is excellent. I assure you, you did the right thing. πŸ™‚ My favorite expression is “I care I will not carry” I learned that a long time ago and after some benefit of the doubt, based on the severity of the situation, letting go is the best thing to do at times. Nice to meet you πŸ™‚

      1. Thank you. πŸ™‚ I learned it when I was … 22/23 (I’m 45 now) and it’s like we care about people but there’s a line, a standard we draw for ourselves. It’s important…

          1. Because it’s not something we’re taught. We’re taught relationships are hard, when you love someone you’re there for them, we’re not specifically taught to let go of toxic people and when toxic people (as an example) are in our lives when we’re younger there are secrets and family things and people are not taught about boundaries and not putting up with toxic people.

            Go up through adult hood more people make excuses for bad behavior, etc., etc., This is a VERY long answer to a short question you’ve asked me. Never mind many feel guilty or bad letting someone down. Look at the situation that’s been going on here… secrecy and all that bull is what helped him to get away with that. Start adding shame and wanting to believe someone or the head games people can play… how one’s heart strings can be toyed with and pulled… the list is endless.

  4. Ohhhhh, E.T. How did you get inside my heart and head to write this post? πŸ™‚

    Talk about a timely and wonderfully articulated post. It’s effing HARD to let go when someone isn’t willing to give. Your entire goodbye paragraph was an “ouch” for me, but in a good way. I can relate.

    Thank you for passing along some of your wisdom.

    J

  5. You have made wonderful progress ET! keep up the good work, but have patience with yourself. πŸ™‚

    “I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”
    ― Mother Teresa

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