I am stuck.
I have talked about this before. My dear blogger friend Separated Dad (I would link you to him but it’s complicated. Here is his old site) posted a comment today that was part of a collective message that I received today. He wrote
I think we can add INTROSPECTIVE to your list. It’s wildly different from introverted of course and shows how you’ve thought about the you as she appears to you and to others. Marvellous stuff…
I know he is correct, I am introspective. Sean was referring to my post about character traits I see in me. He certainly brightened my day! Remember I said collective messages? There were several. One from a old episode from Being Erica, one from some text I was reading for school, one from a management blog I read, and one from a friend who I talked to on the phone with today. Want to know what is even more interesting? All of these collective messages came from men. Clearly the universe was telling me something.
I think and mull things over to the point of obsession. I need to understand the Who, What, Where, When, Why and How’s of my world. Introspection allows me to look at my role in conjunction with others. I use to be that kid who had an excuse for everything. “It’s Not My Fault!” I would cry out from my room, quick to blame the sisters or brother who started it. However Time and Introspection have taught me that the roll I play in a conflict or situation is just as important to the reaction I get from others.
It is simple physics really. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Oh Newton, how right you were!
I learned a long time ago that blame serves no purpose. People do the best they can with the knowledge they have IN THAT MOMENT. 20/20 vision is only available in hindsight. We all know that you can never go back. You can revisit, but it is never the same. It can be better or worse depending on your attitude and the attitude of others. The trick is, adjusting your attitude to support the best possible outcome for you.
When stuck, I tend to pull or push my way out. Force the situation to free me or give me what I need. It isn’t working in this case. Yesterday I shared this feeling with my friends. They, as usual, were quite insightful. They said to me, “Perhaps you are at that moment when you aren’t suppose to do anything. Just let things unfold”. At the time I thought about what they said and dismissed it. My thinking was, you cannot stay stuck in the mud forever, you need to make a move. The question is which one?
After the events of today and hearing the same message over and over in different ways, I realize it was a sign. A big 2×4 hitting me on the head yelling in my ear to be still. My life is a chinese finger trap. The more I pull, the more I feel a pull holding me in place.
I gave this some thought. The introspective me came out and wanted to write about it. Alas I had to write for work, school, and another project I am working on first. This was good, it gave me more room to think about it. I am in several situations where I want things to be a certain way. For various reasons, job availability, education, and people’s own personal choices, I feel like my hands are tied. I want the pain of longing to go away. What I want and what I have are two very different things. Reaching for them isn’t working. Working towards my goal isn’t working either. Well, it might be, but not at the speed in which I wish it to happen. Elenore Roosevelt said, “Wishing takes as much effort as planning.” Oh Elenore, I agree! But people do not share my vision for my life, my hands are tied.
So what I am going to do about it? Well, Dr. Thom on Erica said, “Erica, it hurts, it’s painful and you have to sit in it. Live with it. The only thing that will take the pain away is time.” Oh Dr. Thom, I wish I didn’t love you because I want you to shut your stupid face! I don’t mean that…maybe I do. He always has good advice. I just don’t want to hear it.
So this is me, stuck in the mud. Looking around and no longer trying to get out because that makes the suction stronger. I will stand here in silence, look around me and listen and just be still. When the time is right I will be able to move.
For now I will just breath…