Good Grief I think it is true! I think I am a hoarder. Not in the “you have 19 bags of dirt soup cans in your sink” or “are you a cat lady with 32 cats” kind of way. Well…not yet anyways and I better take pre-emptive measures before I become a regular on TLC. I think I just have a problem letting go of some stuff.
Last year when I had a bagillongazillion homework assignments to do over summer I did not plant my garden. TO BE FAIR, I was also still struggling with other sad and depressing parts of my life. Depression was still an issue and the thought of living under my covers until I died was awesome sounding. I felt unlovable. I was rejected. I was hurt and I wanted to let go but I was afraid. I HOARDED my feelings and carryed them around. I wanted to live in a cardboard box under the bridge. I knew where ever I went my feelings would follow me. Why? Because I am a HOARDER. So the garden was neglected.
I paid the HOARDER price today! I went out in my garden and tackled the
Crown of Thorns Rose Bush and cut it back to a respectable size. I hate cutting back anything in the garden but it was killing my peonie. This peonie came from my Granny’s garden. She said it was over 40 years old and she gave me a piece. That thing has never bloomed in my yard -5 years later and it decides THIS IS THE YEAR! I saw a little bud on it for the first time since it left my gran’s yard. The genetic offsprings biological gene donor GOB for short(his new nickname that his friend Mike said I should use)dug up the front yard for me cleared out yards of clay and put in proper soil mix. I haven’t seriously gardened since I left my old home 11 years ago. There is that number 11. Maybe it is time. I need to start hoarding perennials again. I have discovered that i hoard seedlings. I have tons of columbine, potentila and even roses coming up. I let them be and transplanted some. Why? Because HOARDERS need more – and in this case MORE PLANTS. I am hoping my gardening friends out there (FavNiece, Mom, Granny) have some Iris they can give me a piece of. Why? I learned to HOARD from somewhere.
Sadly it is not just plants. I see PLANT HOARDING as good. It is letting go of other stuff that is hard.
When it comes to letting go, my brother is a Rock Star! He says to me – let it go – an a fairly regular basis. I mostly can’t let go of what people say to me. I analyze it to death, sniff it, kick it with my toe – then when I am SURE I am over it, I kick it again and it becomes this zombie like thing that invades my thoughts. WTF? I want to see a show of hands of all of you out there who do the same thing. Surely I cannot be the only one here who is.
For example, last week my cousin called me for a chat. When he calls it is less about how I am doing and
completely more about what he is doing. He manages to insult me in a I am “super proud of you” kind of way. He belittled my degree, he commented on my weight and talked about the 100s of fat people who live by him and why don’t they just stop eating. For the record people- the isn’t one fat person who wants to be fat, none of us say “Hmm that sounds good to me!” It is a complicated set of emotions and struggles that get us this way. Most of all, I want you to think back to when you were 5, and your mommy said to you “If you have nothing nice to say, than don’t say anything at all”. Speaking your mind is not “telling the truth”. It is expressing your OPINION. Big difference between OPINION and TRUTH. anyway…. back to my point of not letting go.
So I was ranting about him ( it will be a long time before I stop screening his calls again). Do you know what GOB said to me? Picture an exasperated tone of voice. “Tourist, for crying out loud, LET IT GO! Stop harping on it. The guy doesn’t realize what he is saying.” To be fair, my cousin was in an accident and lost his verbal filter. It is my experience that most people in this world are born without a filter. Like the time GOB’s sister kept calling me by GOB’s first wife’s name. She told me I should take it as a compliment because the whole family thinks very highly of her. Nice…. Maybe it is only me who sees this as hurtful but sheesh… This happened AGES ago when my kiddies were wee. Have I let it go? mmm not really. I still think about it and keep my guard up. Since that time she has been nothing but perfectly lovely and kind to me. In fact she is very loving and huggy to – so that is not fair on my part. I know in a pinch if I need something she would be there for me. Clearly I need to LET IT GO! See? I am a HOARDER.
Now that I see myself as a HOARDER, I think I can begin to let it go. I Don’t want to be the Cat Lady, of the Smelly House girl, I want a clean and peaceful existence inside and out. Letting go of stuff in my basement is as easy as letting go of stuff in my garden. It makes room for new stuff to grow. Nurturing THAT is way better than HOARDING stuff that serves no purpose. All hoarding does is creates a mental block, gives me tunnel vision and makes me crazy in a narcissist kind of crazy way. NOT COOL TOURIST!
This is my garden after the hoarding – I cleared it up and started fresh. No more hoarding for me – just nurture. Although…Hoarding stuff might get me on Dr. Phil or TLC with my own show… Oh Oprah I miss you.