You heard correctly, I was ambushed by a ninja – yet live to tell the tale. I was lounging on my deck reading something intellectually stimulating like Diane Chamberlain, when the sky began to darken and my eReader started to get wet. I felt extreme disappointment because this time was specifically put aside for reading outside. Little did I know, it was all part of the plan.
A few days before, Edmonton suffered through an incredible storm that brought hail that resembled a snow storm and rain drops that were 2cm in diameter. My furniture had just completely dried and I was not willing to allow my sofa cushions to relive a torrential downpour twice in one week. So I began the unpleasant task of bringing the cushions into my living room when I was attacked.
I am positive it was a ninja attack because it came out of no where. I nearly completed my job when it happened. I was walking through my wooden screen door. You know the kind, they squeak when you open it, it doesn’t stay open by itself because of the big spring on it and it makes a loud smack as it shuts. At this point it all becomes a blur because it happened so fast.
I remember being hit in the face with something sharp and all I could see was the red cushion coming at me in an attempt to smother my screams.
As quickly as it happened, it ended. I heard no one. I saw no one. Yet I KNOW someone just tried to kill me. My own stealthy moves had me on high alert. I practice Ninja Yoga with some regularity so I am confident in my stealth skills. With lightning agility, I quickly moved into the living room before the monsoon hit. I assessed the damage and scanned the room for a witness of a predator. I found neither.
I let my fingers scan the flesh on my face and discovered a slight scratch. Nothing serious, I had experienced greater boughts of pain before, I could easily let this slide.
The rain ended as quickly as it began and I moved the cushions back out to the deck and resumed my reading. What is odd about this situation is every day since the scratch on my face has become a deeper red – it is as if I had been poisoned by a Hira-Shuriken – for those of you not familiar with ninja lingo, you civilians refer to it as a “Ninja Star” or “Throwing Star”. Enemies will often lace their hira-shuriken with poison or other bacteria that would cause an infection that could lead to death.
I am stealthy enough to have had the Hira-Shuriken miss my eyes, yet I was unable to avoid complete collision because let’s be honest here, I am not a professional ninja, I am just a ninja enthusiast. I use those skills to enhance my superhero capabilities. I am not perfect.
See how it narrowly missed my eye? That is all because of skill on my part that I did not go blind.
The real problem is, I am tired of telling people I was attacked by a Ninja. Everyone is always asking me what happened. So I’ve started saying “pillow fight” for several reasons:
- I need to keep my superpowers on the down-low for obvious reasons. I need to be able to take on an opponent and take them by surprise. The ninja incident was a good reminder of that.
- Being a Superhero is a VOLUNTEER position people! I can’t have it get out to too many people or I will never earn a paycheck. Only the lucky superheros get on with big government agencies. The rest of us do it out of love – but love don’t pay the rent!
- The more my name becomes recognizable, the more famous I become and therefore my children, family and friends will become targets. They always hurt the ones you love the most.
Meanwhile, I need to find an antidote or by a tube of polysporin. No mom I did not go to the doctor and yes my shots are up to date, you don’t need to call. The time for resting is over – we must be vigilant.
The good news? I am going to have a kick-ass scar – eat your heart out Black Widow.