Quixotic Quest

I love lazy Sunday mornings. I lay in bed catching up on my favorite blogs via my mobile. I mostly read three very different genres of blogs. 1.The humorist blogs that make me roll my eyes or laugh out loud. 2. Active/fitness blogs where people talk about their success or failure when it comes to life changes. 3. Blogs that make me think. Oh Scarecrow, I think I like those blogs most of all. This mornings thought provoking challenge was brought to me via the Broadside Blog by Caitlin Kelly. She is a professional and polished writer, unlike most of us slobs here on WordPress. Usually when I get the chance to read one of her posts, it makes me think and ponder the different situations in my life. Her Sunday posts tend to be my favorite. I have nothing in common with Ms. Kelly other than we are both Canadian – although she is now a New Yorker, and we are both women. I find the parts of her life she shares with her readers to be fascinating.

This morning I read this,

I’ve wasted a lot of my life chasing things that weren’t there for the capturing — men, jobs, ideas, friends, affection from the wrong people, approval or admiration from those who were happier forgetting my existence.

I suspect I am not alone in my quixotic quest.

No, you are not alone in your quixotic quest. The women I currently attract to my life are also guilty of experiencing the same thing. Myself included. I suppose it could be looked upon as optimistic. Lately it feels like delusional is a more appropriate term. I took this thought and went swimming. The pool is the place where I do my deepest thinking. I am able to solve problems and sort out obstacles while I swim. Today I decided to keep going until my arms were too tired to pull me out of the pool. It turns out that was 90 minutes of pure reflection and ponder.

I keep doing and doing  – searching for that magic thing that will make everything better. I feel like I am wasting my time. What is the purpose anyway? Whats the point? More good questions. Did I find the answer? Maybe…

I am about extremes. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of girl. That is starting to feel toxic. I workout until I am so I tired I hope I will sleep through the night. I take on many extra curricular activities to keep me from feeling bored or lonely, to activate my brain so it doesn’t stagnate. When my brain is idle, I feel depression creeping in, so busy is better. Things that excite me are intellectual conversation. I’m not talking about spouting facts. Any monkey can do that. I mean honest, unpretentious conversation that makes me think and look at things from another perspective. University helps with the intellectual. The problem is, I am currently in an online course. The back and forth conversation is just not the same on message boards. I use to have a friend where back and forth intellectual conversation was enlightening and fulfilling. It has got to the point where I now realize I am, as Kelly said, wasting my time trying capture something that isn’t mine to be captured in the first place. Realizing this doesn’t make me nearly as sad as it makes me lost. I don’t currently have an outlet for insightful conversation.

Maybe I need to stop wasting my time and just be… Just allow things to come and go into my life without striving for more. I look at people and clients I work with and wonder how they are able to be so casual about their lives. They worry about things that I think are trivial, while what I deem as important, they could careless about. How do I turn that off?

I don’t think I can be that person. I am too tenacious and driven. I did come to the conclusion while swimming, that I need to redirect my focus and be driven in areas of my life where what I do is important to not just me, but others around me. I am going to stop wasting my time on people and situations that don’t give a crap. Those situations just pound me into the ground and are pointless. That’s a shame, I wish they weren’t but I cannot change it. My dad’s wise words of wisdom for situations like this are,

Who cares what people think? There is another opportunity down the street. Take your skills and smarts and share them with someone who gives a damn.

You are right Dad, so are you Ms. Kelly

If you wish to read Caitlin Kelly’s entire blog post, you can find it here.

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Putting My Best Foot Forward

Today was wacky. I had a heated conversation with a colleague about what I know and don’t know. I was so angry by the time the conversation was over I wanted to walk out never to return. Instead I kept my composure, defended my position and used conversation skills I have learned in my course. Does it matter in the end? No not really. I was seriously offended though. I put it aside and went swimming instead of stewing about it. My arms hurt but I feel good. I thought about why she might say those things to me. Clearly we do not share the same belief system or values. I was questioned as to why I work so hard at what I do if I am not loving it any more. To me the answer is simple. If you do a job, do it well or go home. Just letting things “go” or ignoring situations is just not how I was raised. My Grandfather would be rolling over in his grave and my mother would ground me. I have set goals for myself and I know I will not achieve them if I do not put my best foot forward. I need to shout those goals to the Universe so everyone knows what my intentions are. Do you hear that Universe? I do not want to keep my regular position anymore, I want more.

To achieve those goals I need to remind myself of beliefs and values that are important to me. Genetic Offspring showed me his Power Point Presentation on Beliefs for his Religion class. It has inspired my list. I am writing them down because I need the reminder.

1. Family First Always. Sometimes I forget how much my family means to me. I am not just referring to the ones living in my house. I mean the ones down the street, across town, in another city and over oceans. Family is my reason for almost everything.
2. Doing the Right Thing is hardly ever easy. I wish it was easy. If everything was easy, life would be boring. However, would it kill you universe to make some things easy?
3. Great Wisdom often comes from children. I have learned amazing things from my children. I don’t just mean the answer to scientific questions, but the maturity my children deal with social issues, personal problems and road blocks inspires me to be better. I think all parents can learn from their children. If you are childless, you can still eaves drop on conversations of children. Not only are the a great source of entertainment but profound things often come out of those mouths.
4. Trust your instincts. There is a little voice or a feeling. Its something or someone trying to tell you something. Listen to that gut feeling. It is usually right. Trust yourself, you have your best interest at heart. Don’t let yourself down.
5. Show Kindness to others. You would think this would be easy. I see children who don’t know how to be kind to each other. We need to teach that. It isn’t instinctual. My ChatterBox is the kindest person I know.
6. Magic/Miracles/Pixie Dust are real if you believe in hard work. All of it will happen if you work for it. Look at me, I am working hard for it, a little pinch of Pixie Dust and I’ll have my goals in my pocket.
7. Nurture yourself. I never use to believe this. I have started practicing it. It’s true, it makes a difference. You have to love yourself first then other things fall into place.
8. No is as important as Yes. Learning to say no has been liberating. It ties in with nurturing myself. Hard to do, but essential.
9. Yes is as important as No. Saying yes to things you normally wouldn’t do is also liberating. Hard to do, but essential.
10. Family First Always – but don’t forget you are part of the family too.