Hey, I’m not Dead!

Good New! I am not dead! The typical foreboding nature of my winning streak didn’t kill me. How do I know? Quite frankly there are lots of reasons. My legs hurt for one. I would hope when I am dead, I wouldn’t feel pain. I have started back training for my next half marathon and my legs are a little cranky after today’s session. It is almost time for new shoes, but I am going to wait a couple of more weeks before I buy new ones. I also checked my pulse…it was beating, clearly not dead. That is a good sign after working out.

I thought I would make a handy little pocket guide to know if you are dead or not. So here it is:

The Edmonton Tourist’s Top 11 Ways to Tell You are not Dead

1. You don’t crave brains – or so I am told. Then you would be a Zombie… but Zombies aren’t dead – they are UNdead. I am not sure how that works and now I am confused.
2. I BBQed on my deck last night. I made burgers. Yes it was dark. Yes it was cool (cold by non Edmontonian standards). I knew I wasn’t dead because my feet got cold. I was out there in my bare feet. Clearly not dead! However, excellent way to induce hyperthermia and cause death.
3. I followed a pair of very nice calfs around the track yesterday… Clearly I am not dead. Great motivation too.
4. I saw a fetus doll yesterday for the first time. I was GOBSMACKED. I had no idea what to say. Obviously I have seen everything now and can die, therefore I am not dead yet.
5. The Time Capsule Con Smythe buried at Maple Leaf Gardens in 1931 was opened yesterday. As usual, the Toronto papers hyped it up because they are the center of the universe. After opening it…just lame stuff and a white elephant. Very disappointing yet predictable. Unlike Vegas, if it happens in Toronto – Then everyone hears about it. Had it been exciting news coming from Toronto, then I would have had a heart attack and died. I still have a pulse…I just checked.
6. It is the decade of sequels. Ferris Buller 2 is coming out…I can’t be dead!
7. On that note…Star Trek 2 is coming out this summer too… I can be dead AFTER watching Chris Pine
8. I suppose those last two don’t really qualify to tell if you are dead. This one will – The only fictional man to make me swoon just thinking about reading about him again… Mr. Darcy – ya you know what I mean <wink wink> I don’t think there is swooning once you are dead…I hope I am wrong about this one.
9. I still want chocolate and a diet coke everyday – not dead… Now I’m wishing I were…
10. The Edmonton Oilers are STILL rebuilding since 1991. If I was dead, we would be Stanley Cup Champions again.
11. Finally, George Eliot said “It is never too late to be what you might have been” I am not there yet…so I can’t possibly be dead yet. There you have it…

Related articles

• Maple Leaf Gardens 1931 time capsule unveiled, revealing mysterious ivory elephant (vancouversun.com)
• How To Build A Zombie (doingthewritething.wordpress.com)

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Hockey Fever, I have it BAD

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I’ve got Hockey fever and I feel helpless against it.

It is 30C outside and all I can think about is the season opener at Rexall Place with the Edmonton Oilers hosting the Penguins without Sidney Crosby. I have been following the Rookie training camp, with the baby Oilers in Penticton. I have been following the New York Ranger’s prospect chat on twitter and all I really want for Christmas is an honest to goodness chance for a decent playoff run. I haven’t had hockey fever this bad since the Dynasty Years in the 80’s.

I have an Eastern Team and a Western Team. I am not a Canada vs the world kind of fan. I am loyal to the Oilers and loyal to the Rangers, who are the Oiler’s East as far as I am concerned. I have had brief love affairs with the Red Wings while Stevie Y was there, he jumped ship and so did my feelings for the Wings. I despise Toronto and Montreal, I will NEVER cheer for Calgary – even when they make the playoffs and we don’t, I HATE Vancouver and the Sedin Sisters. I am happy for Winnipeg having the Jets back, but I won’t wear their cool new jersey and consider them the enemy. It’s Oilers or Rangers for me, after that I cheer original 6 unless it’s Toronto, because…I…just…can’t…

I was watching and reading several things about the Oiler’s draft pick, first over-all Tyler Nugent-Hopkins. He doesn’t even shave yet. He lowers the overall age average to 12. But DAMN can he skate. He will one day be a super star. Super star…. It has been a very long time since Edmonton has had a super star. Chris Pronger could be considered one, but Edmonton hates him so he doesn’t count. The last one was Mark Messier, my all time favorite. He left in 91, 20 years ago. Hall and Nugent-Hopkins are our next hope for greatness.

Edmonton Oilers, rebuilding since 1991. Hopefully we have re-built and the hockeygods have taken pity on us. We are hungry for playoffs and a couple of winning streaks. I am pretty sure it is the only thing that will satisfy my hockey fever. I need this universe. I can’t wait another 20 years.

 

Related articles

• Edmonton Oilers: A Look at the Franchise’s Future (bleacherreport.com)
• Edmonton Oilers must deal with weighty issue of Ryan-Nugent Hopkins bulking up (prohockeytalk.nbcsports.com)
• Oilers’ old guard reunite (canada.com)

The Edmonton Tourist becomes Tour Guide!

Good News! I am back on chocolate! It is more out of necessity then preference because the Belgium Chocolate is gone and I stole a piece of Chatterbox’s Halloween candy. But I am back to normal, when I say normal I really mean frazzled. Chocolate and coffee are my current drug of choice. All is good with my world once again.

Things in my life are moving at a frantic pace. I am finding my University course interesting, yet monotonous. So much reading about the same thing. Talking to my 3 mentors makes the course very interesting. I really am thankful for them. My work is great but super busy, as always. My children’s marks are unbelievably amazing! Family health issues are starting to resolve themselves. Just when I think I have everything under-control, a giant pothole shows up and upsets the apple cart. The next little while will be filled with new adventures and I can’t wait to get started! But………

I need a distraction for about an hour. I need my mind to wander and think about other things for a brief moment in time. So my dear readers, I need your help!

At the end of the month we are having a visitor stay with us through Christmas. When I say visitor, I really mean the Evil Genius. That’s right, my step-son is paying a call from future.  When I say future, I really mean Australia. I can hear you all saying “Why would someone who has a perfectly lovely summer season coming up CHOOSE to go to Edmonton for the winter?” Good question! From what I understand about Genetic Offspring, Honey and the Evil Genius, science is their thing. Spacey science to be more exact. Edmonton is DARK in the winter, and by dark I mean the sunrises around 8:30ish and sets at 4:00ish. Perfect for seeing the Northern Lights – sorry – Aurora Borealis. I admit, it is one of my most favorite things about Edmonton too. Off our deck is the perfect view-point! Maybe light a fire in the outdoor fireplace, sit in a snow suit and wait. That’s the problem. There isn’t a set schedule, but there is a web site that offers a “forecast“. That will be helpful!

I need your help because I want to know what OTHER people want to see and do when they come to The Great White North. Here are my ideas, please feel free to edit, change and add to the list.

1. Roast marshmallows, make s’mores and wait for the Northern-lights
2. Visit the Telus World of Science to use the observatory and check out the stars in the freezing cold.
3. Go to an Oiler Hockey Game and possibly an Oil Kings Hockey game
4. Shovel the side-walk
5. Hang the Christmas lights
6. Strap a snowboard to his feet and push him down the hill
7. Go to the Ice on Whyte festival and check out the ice sculptures
8. Drag the Evil Genius around town to look at Christmas lights
9. Go Ice skating on a pond and learn what Shinny is
10. Go see the Christmas Carole at the Citadel Theatre
11. Go on a Sleigh Ride

I am looking forward to being the Edmonton Tour Guide for a while. I am nervous about the cold. It could be Blizzard season, no not the ice cream from Dairy Queen, a REAL BLIZZARD! Or it could be unseasonably warm, hovering around 0C . Hard to say what the weather will be like. It IS Edmonton, so if you don’t like the weather just a minute and new weather shows up. At any rate I hope the Evil Genius has a great time – or at the very least – lie to me and say it’s great 😉

So my dear readers, what would YOU like to see if you came for a visit?

Cougar!

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When I say”Cougar” I don’t mean I am signing up for Cougardate.com.  Although there was that Firefighter in St. Goar, Germany, but Mom called dibs. In the true sense of Cougar, a woman over 30 pursue younger men. I never found guys younger than me all that appealing. From as long as I can remember I liked the fellows who were much older than me. After seeing Empire Strikes Back, I had a major thing for Harrison Ford. That is a torch carried through all the Indiana Jones Movies, up until The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. At that point he was just OLD. There was of course the Edmonton Oiler Hockey Team staring Mark Messier, Paul Coffey, Kevin Lowe, and Jarri Kurri. Now they are retired, so that means OLD. I do have a thing for Puddy, you know, Patrick Warburton. My Honey teases me about it while standing in the queue for Soarin’ at Disneyland. When the guy says “Welcome to Soarin’ over California. My name is Patrick and I will be your chief flight attendant today”. He is looking ME in the eye, not you, not my honey and not my offspring, it is ME he is looking at! He is older, only by 3 years but as I am aging maybe the need for less older than me is more prevalent. Before you get your knickers in a twist, my honey has “girlfriends” too. Only they tend to be red heads who star on Taxi. But I digress…

Aging is a big deal for me today. I am feeling it from head to toe. I know it is mostly because I am suffering from jet-lag. I also know I am not alone in being tired. However, when I am tired I don’t really care that you feel tired too. I become selfish, cranky and ambivalent. My fuse is shortened in half and it takes everything out of me to be kind to people at work. I become sarcastic and sinister. Secretly I enjoy this side of me, but I am old enough to understand that these qualities are not welcome in the work place so I keep them under my hat and save them for my poor family for when I get home. The good news is that Offspring #1 is EXACTLY like me. So we share a laugh and understand each others dark and twisted sense of humor. The other important reason I feel very old today is Starbucks Pick of the Week.

Every Tuesday Starbucks hands out little cards that feature a music artist and they give you a code for iTunes to download the artist song for free. Well sitting next to me is John Mellencamp. I knew him when he was John Cougar. Sure he was older than me, 16 years to be exact. But when I was 15, Jack and Diane was released. I fell in love with John Cougar. He had longish dark hair, he had stubble, he had worn out Levis, he popped his collar like hot 80’s guys did, and he had that sexy smokers voice. He was a rock star. In my books, if you couldn’t be a hockey player, then rock star would do, but only just. Listening to his music today brings me right back to 15,the concert, his music, the era.  It is all wonderful until I look at his picture. The guy became old! If he is old, then I am old. What the?!?! How did this happen?

I looked at the Oilers Roster and I could be their Granny! How does this happen? On the inside I feel all young and fun. Then I look at myself and I think whose hands are those? I have gray hair for crying out loud! My gray hair matches my gray eyes! SO NOT COOL! I thank the heavens above that I am happily married because I would have to be a Cougar. That would be me chasing boys who are 40. Now that would be an interesting dating blog. My baby sister, who is so much younger than me she always thought she was an only child, has a boyfriend who is pushing 40! My Baby brother is over 40! My closest male friends are over 40! So the question of the day is what do I do about it?

I could get plastic surgery done. Boob lift, and maybe reduction because just a lift would impair my sight. Botox so you couldn’t tell when I was cranky. Become friends with Miss Clairol again. Between you and me, I think those old movie starlets who “get work done” look hideous. I prefer the natural look. So I will get plenty of sleep, eventually. Call my gray hair “highlights”. Give you a “knowing” smile instead of giving you cheek. I will stay current with technology and music, but still give some love to my “oldies”.

But mostly I, the Edmonton Tourist, will try to embrace the aging process and try not to say “when I was your age” even though I have some great Blizzard stories.

 

Please Don’t Tell Me Anything, My Brain is Already Full.

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Today was one of those “bone weary” days. I know you get them. The kind where your joints and muscles ache, your skin hurts, and your eyes hurt to look at stuff. I brought it all on myself.

I had the intention of going to bed early-ish last night. Early for me is between 10:oo and 11:00 pm. I am a night owl. I feel recharged after dark and do not understand the need for early-risers to be so chipper ( yes honey this means you). Life got in the way last night, between writing letters to political members and watching Craig Ferguson, I procrastinated long enough that I went to bed 15 minutes before the pumpkin hour.

The stress is starting to build in my new Tourist Life. You know how I can tell? I cannot remember a single thing I am supposed to do. My brain fell out. If I didn’t know any better I’d swear I have pregnancy brain. I don’t, there is no way I am pregnant. If I was I would give the baby to my sister for Christmas. No, that is not the problem, but I think I know what is.

My Brain is Full.

Who knew there was a capacity? I thought there was a potential for infinite learning! So the question now is, how do I let go of the stuff I don’t need? My dad calls it a fountain of useless knowledge. I know a lot of crazy and obscure facts. Like…Who holds the record for the longest Goal Scoring streak on the Edmonton Oilers?

A> Wayne Gretzky?

B> Dave Lumely?

C>Ryan Smythe?

D> Paul Coffee?

Nope you are wrong – except my friend from Jr. High who knows this stuff too. B> Dave Lumely. Or this one, It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Or did you know that Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. If you are playing trivial pursuit, you want me on your team. I caution you, I am very competitive and wont let you answer a thing, but we will win.

I use to remember everything from all the data reports I needed for team meetings, my kids schedules, my husbands schedule, school volunteer events and dates, every birthday of every person I know, my telephone number and bank money transactions. Now I can’t even tell you what my favorite colour is! I thank Steve Jobs everyday that I have an iPhone and I know how to use it! It is so simple to use, I don’t need to remember how, it just happens. PHEW! Because without the calendar,  notes, email and contact list I would be curled up in the corner weeping uncontrollably. A friend and colleague at work today said the brain works differently with a hormone fluctuation. Well, I AM getting old, and hormones work differently, but I don’t think that is it. My Brain is full and I need to do something about it because school work and day work needs to fit in there. Hopefully one day my brain will be back in top-notch shape

So here is the plan, I am not going to take responsibility for non-essentials anymore. If you need to get to volleyball practice, set your alarm or tell your dad. If you need to plan a baby shower for a friend, email me what I need to bring. If you don’t, I won’t remember and you will be disappointed. If you are unsure how to operate the data bases at work , look it up in the manual on the black shelf, everything you need to know is in that book , no in the white one. If you need me to buy groceries, sorry I can’t. I walk in and just stand there looking at the pretty colours and forget why I am there. Email me if you need something. edmtourist@gmail.com If I have it in my phone, I can do it.

Other wise, forget it, my brain is full.

The Edmonton Tourist’s Top 11 Pet Peeves

Lately my escape has been the world of other bloggers. I love to read the mishaps and mistakes others make. Or their brilliant insights to some topic, or even their quirky ideas in regards to some inane topic. Lately there has been a run on Pet Peeve lists and I find myself adding to each list at the bottom of their comments. So here I am jumping on the bandwagon and making a Pet Peeve List. I really enjoyed Girl on the Contrary list and Adventures and Insights peeve lists too. You should check them out too! Of course my list is 11 items long for reasons listed here.

Top 11 Pet Peeves!

1. Bandwagon Jumpers – I HATE it when people can’t make up their own mind and decide for themselves or cheer for winning teams and show not an ounce of loyalty. For instance: When Mark Messier left the Edmonton Oilers, moved to New York and charmed everyone with a Stanley Cup, Edmonton Oiler fans jumped ship and became Ranger Fans. Oh ya, that was me. I HATE it when other people write blogs about topics, such as pet peeves, and then suddenly EVERYONE is doing it. Oh ya, that is me…Hmm,  I HATE that I am a bandwagon jumper!!
2. Technology challenged people who own a cell phone. I understand that many people are technologically challenged. My father is one of them. I still love him. HOWEVER, don’t go to the movies and open your phone with the light on EXTRA BRIGHT! You have a dim setting…. Know it, use it, love it.
3. Wallet Searchers. Nothing is more annoying than standing in line at some check-out counter and the person in front of you is surprised when the cashier asks for a method of payment. You have been waiting in line for 15 minutes. You have had nothing to do but look at gum and mints. Open your wallet and find your cards BEFORE it is your turn.
4. Dilly Dalliers. I am driving the speed limit 😉 on the freeway, come up behind you, use my indicator with the intent to pass you and you speed up so I can’t pass you. Then back in the right lane I go and  you slow down again. At this point, I support road rage and weapons.
5. Like. I live on the Canadian Prairies. If you look at a map of North America, you will notice that California is fairly far away. That is where Valley Girls live. Alberta Girls are NOT Valley Girls. So never say, “Like, I saw this guy, and he was all like, you know…” You may use “like” as a verb, preposition or conjunction. You may only use it in colloquial speech IF you can tell me what that means. Otherwise stop talking.
6. Traveling without a plan and then complaining about your trip. Many people enjoy a spontaneous trip. I am not one of them. I like to plan because it brings me joy and enhances my trip. If you are so inclined to travel to Disneyland on the 4th of July and arrive AFTER lunch. Don’t cry to my about the crowds. Traveling without a plan is like trying to win a football game with out a game plan. Do you hear me Lelacheur? You will NEVER win without a game plan… but I digress
7. Wrong Numbers. Please remember that you called me. So don’t be all mad at me because Sarah doesn’t live at my house. She never did. She gave you the wrong number because you are a dork. Do something about it other than being mad at me.
8. Cadbury Factory. You sold out and now the new guy ruined you. I shall never forgive you.
9. Plastic Bottles. In the olden days ( I love saying that!) I use to walk to the Red Rooster (similar to 7-11 but not as far from my house) and purchase a GLASS bottle of Coke. Nothing tasted better. Then Coke became New Coke – gross, then Coke Classic came back but you were put into a plastic bottle. In there you were flat. I miss the extreme fizz and the bite that came from glass.
10. City Transit. I really want to be a one car family. City Transit is screwy. It takes me an hour to get to work by bus OR 7 minutes by car. Maybe I should just work from home. OR win the lottery.
11. Cottage Cheese Milk. There is NOTHING worse then making a delightful cup of coffee, reaching into the fridge, removing a BRAND NEW carton of milk, opening it, and pouring it into my coffee. Then watching it pour in chunks. It makes me weep with sorrow over my coffee. Thanks Lucerne.

What will you add to the pet peeve list?

For Sale: Ocean View Home – but which Ocean?

I live in this great fantasy world where I have an infinite amount of money and can go live where ever I want. On the news tonight the local couple who won 10 million dollars said “we play that game of “what if” we won 50 million. But once you really have it, it’s a different story” I think they are lying. They are just “saying that” for the cameras. I think winning 50 million dollars would be a big boost to my spiritual tourism quest.

So lets play What would you do with  $50,000,000.00? ( I use to play the $1,000,000.00 game but that isn’t very much any more – not that it would hurt my feelings to win that much, just so you know in case you wish to give me that much)

What the Edmonton Tourist would do if she won $50 million:

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1. Round the World Disney Style! All 5 resorts and a cruise for good measure. Plus Adventures by Disney Hollywood tour. I know my friends would think that would cure me for all time, but it would just fuel the fire!
2. Buy a house on some beach looking at some ocean. But I want a good deal. AND I want it inconvenient enough that crazy “relatives” that I don’t know won’t come looking for me. AND by “ocean” I don’t mean Arctic or Antarctic.
3. Shoes. I want the same or better shoe collection that my sister has. She has fab shoes but I want Choo’s and lots of them. And not one of then can have steel toes. AND I will buy her a pair.
4. A Car with Electric Windows and Heated Seats . I have spent years building up the muscles in my index finger so I can lock my door manually. I don’t regret it, my finger has a very nice physique now and it looks great in jewelry. All that hard work paid off. But my finger now gets plenty of exercise typing, so maybe it’s time for an upgrade.
5. Art. I want to go to the City Art Walk and buy what moves me. I want to show the artist that I love their work. Not just tell them. AND by “Art” I don’t mean barbed wire coiled on a spool.
6. Season Tickets to the Edmonton Oilers. Laugh if you must, I bleed copper. I always have and always will. One day we will make the playoffs again and I want to be there. AND by “being there” I mean Club Seats.
7. Quit my job. You will not hear me say in the lotto ticket interview “No, I am still going to go to work everyday, because I love being a Tupperware Lady”.AND by  “Tupperware Lady” I mean my real job. But I will volunteer weekly at a Head Start, and put my name on the list to rock babies at the NICU.
8. Give Steve Jobs more money. I want a Mac and I want one bad.
9. I want to set up a scholarship fund for Head Start kids. I would love to see those kids get a degree.
10. Eat at Melting  Pot, I hear it’s great.AND by “great” I mean yummy.
11. This is the part that I am supposed to say that I would share it with my family, friends and loved ones. The kicker part is, I don’t expect you to share with me because I am your relative. I don’t want you to give me money out of obligation. Of Course I know you feel the same way. I do understand that you will be mad at me and will never speak to me again. AND by “speak to me” I mean email. But if you attend parties in my home or go on picnics with me, you are in a different category. AND by “different” I mean I love you and want to share it all with you.

Okay, your turn.