Since I began my new job almost a year ago, I have noticed a few changes within me.
I daydream less.
For years I have been doing jobs that were easy for me. I wasn’t challenged. I instinctively knew what to do. This led to me plodding through my days, not challenging my brain and letting it wander off to explore other recesses of possibility.
I don’t do that anymore – well, not as often and certainly not while I am at work. The only time this remotely happens is when I am thinking about expanding or making changes to a situation. I lean back in my chair, stare at the water stain in the ceiling tile and I imagine various scenarios that could work in the situation I am trying to solve.
Gone are the days of being bored and letting my mind wander.
Mark Messier once told me over a bag of sunflower seeds, “It is important to live in the moment.”
At the time I didn’t fully comprehend what he was telling me.
I can now look at both sides and see the difference in me.
My entire life I have been a day dreamer. We would drive to my grandparents house about 10 blocks away and I would stare out the window and imagine me riding my bike along side the car, or I would envision me sliding along the power lines like a circus performer.
I would put on music and place my great grandma’s doily on my head and I was the prima ballerina for the Albert Ballet Company. I was magnificent with my long hair flowing.
As I became older, I would be in hero situations on Battlestar Galactica with Starbuck and Apollo, I was Athena’s best friend and incredibly clever.
When I was living in the darkest time of my life, my imagination was my saviour and kept my mind safe from despair so great I would end my life. I would imagine a hero rescuing me, or creating scenarios of my then husband dying in the hospital. Sounds to horrible to be real, but that was the only way I could bee me gaining freedom. I was not in the position of living my life the way I wanted to, in the moment. I relied on my imagination to get me through the tough times to the point of opportunity so I could flee.
As I became older and took advantage of opportunities that came my way, I became a mother. By choice. This was the one thing that I could not stop. This was an inner drive pulling me towards children. I new instinctively that I was meant to be a mother. There was a reason bigger than me. All I knew was I had to do it, with or without a partner. Luckily for me, my new hubs was a willing partner.
This was the first time in my life I can recall living in the moment. Holding my children in the middle of the night, honing in on tiny moments to etch in my brain for eternity. I can conjure up each one of these moments as if I am rewinding a moving.
As my children became older and I transitioned back into the working world, I made choices to benefit them. I chose work that I was good at but afforded me time to spend copious amounts of time with my kids. I never liked that job. I remember sitting at circle time, dying of boredom, thinking “you have got through worse, this is just a job, your life is at home.” I would be able to zone out for periods of time and transport myself elsewhere to just make it through until the end of the day.
There is shame that accompanies a career choice that you are not focusing your energies into. I could do what I needed to, fight for what was necessary but in the end, I could walk away and never look back and never miss a thing because I wanted more. My imagination got me into all kinds of trouble. It made me miss important notes, it had me longing for another life, it was becoming my crutch instead of my saviour.
Once again I needed to claw my way back and live in the moment.
I went back to school.
There is no time to day dream and do well in school. I was focused and driven. I ended my day at a certain time to have my daughter come and sit in front of my desk and tell me about her day. We bonded in a way that will not be broken. She knew I chose her over school. She was the most important female in my life. My son knew he was the most important male in my life. My husband was most important because he agreed and supported me in having this. I was living in that moment.
I will admit to letting my imagination take me away to visit friends and loved ones I could not spend time with. I had a longing to travel and be with them. I learned that living in my imagination and being with people I imagine about are two very different things.
Real life is harsh.
It is hurtful and people are disappointing. In someways my imagination was distractive. I have hung on to friendships longer than I should have because I always hoped for a different outcome, when the reality was I was in a toxic situation. I get so angry with my self for letting things happen and moving along as if everything was status quo. I am that person that people tell things to. I don’t ask for it, they just share.
People Share things for a multiple list of reasons,
- to hurt me
- to brag
- to hurt someone I care about
People also share things because
- they love me
- they know I love them
There are hundreds of people I interact with because they come to me. I stop, give them my time and listen to what they say. Lots of times I have no idea what to do with this information. Lots of times it just makes me angry. Lots of times I want to hurt them back. Lots of times I want to confront people about behaviours. But I don’t.
I have become that person who knows more than you think I know. I use this knowledge of human behaviour to succeed in my work. I understand people better and know how they will react because I have sat quietly and listened. I have the ability to see things unravel before they do. I have the knowledge to stop train wrecks yet it doesn’t work that way.
I can imagine scenarios where the recipient agrees and makes the change that could save them. In real life, that just ends friendships.
Living in the moment affords me zero time to engage with people who don’t matter very much to me. Living in the moment keeps my mind active, my priorities focused and my life in order.
This does not mean I don’t dream or have goals for my future, because I will always be that girl who wants more.
I want more out of life, I want more time with the people I love and mostly I want to squeeze every moment I can out of the life I have.
I still find myself speculating about people. I see you become active on Linked In and I imagine you are looking for a new job, or have been let go, or are in crisis and trying to find a new path. I see you suddenly conversing with a particular person on Facebook and I assume that you are unhappy in your life and are looking for romance with another human. I see you not engaging with people and I think possibly that someone is holding you back from your true self.
Whether these are true or not, I sometimes let my imagination take me away through these scenarios and I wonder about how unhappy you really are. I think most people plod along their life in an effort to get through the day. very few people are engaged with things or others that bring out the most joy of their life. We sit in a situation because it is easy.
I have made huge changes in my life in the past 6 years. I have taken risks and tried new things, I have said yes more than no, I have let new people into my life and I have done things that I wish I hadn’t. But I tried and I live in the moment.
I know there will be a time where living in the moment will end once again. It seems to wander in and out of my life after every crossroad I come to. I am coming up to a new crossroad now. I feel I am being pulled one way but I don’t want to leave behind the new things I have built. When I get there and make that decision, I have a feeling I will finally be free to be me.
I now know who I am and can live my life being me with one exception. There is that one person who I always hope will change but never will, I get suckered in every damn time. My imagination has helped me this time too. It plays out scenarios where I am hurt and nothing is blissful, it is helping me make the choice I need to when the time comes.
The day will come where I will no longer want to live in the moment because of physical restrictions that happen, this is when I will be grateful my imagination will be as playful as it was when I was younger.
For now, I am in the moment.