Hey! It’s been a while and I have a few people ask me what I have been up to.
I have been a little on the busy side and my new career has me writing and being creative I haven’t been here much other than to answer emails and stare at a blank page. I’ve been coping with my health and sleeping when I get the chance but other than that, my life has been … complicated.
While the missing details of the past 5 months are going to stay a mystery for now, I can tell you that I gave up sugar and all artificial sweeteners and that has been like wrestling with the devil himself. The detox portion of that fun detail was like living with a Banshee. I was frightening and cranky with zero patience. I am happy to report, I have been sugar free since January 14 and am still going strong, but the struggle is real. The side benefit is I feel amazing! I sleep better (except this weekend where stress is keeping me awake, but that will end soon), I have more energy and a side benefit is I am not struggling with my Acoustic Neuroma symptoms like I have been. That alone is enough to keep me from having birthday cake.
Sugar and I Broke up.
I went to Disneyland in January to run the 10k and hangout with my friends.
I retired from running Races, my health issues have side effects that make running unsafe.
Races and I Broke up… for now.
The Canadian Dollar is killing me. Until it goes up, I am on a no vacation lock down. I need to save my money for my 50th Birthday Celebration in 2017, Traveling and I have Broke up… or ‘on a break’ for 2016.
I came back from Disneyland with new insights to people and behaviours.
I reread my last blog post on Adulting. All 11 points are still true except I will add a #12.
12. Karma is real and just.
I broke up with old me and I am not going back, for any reason. Karma is right and I know it.
I know that while not everyone will like you, it isn’t necessary to share your feelings. Hurting someone for the sake of honesty is just bad manners. Do it if you are both working out issues or need clarity to strengthen your bond but just to be honest with no benefit is really hurtful. People behave in a particular manner for reasons unknown to you. If you can see the reason, it helps with understanding the behaviour. It doesn’t excuse it, but it helps. I can understand a situation better and bottom line is, I like to know the WHY.
I also avoid people I don’t like and who do not like me in return. This is perfectly fine. Not everyone is going to like you. You will make your self exhausted trying to be on their good side. Bottom line is, I am a grown up and I will take my pail and shovel and visit a different sandbox. You are not the only human in town. I am really okay with this. Life is too short to spend time with people on your playtime who are not in your inner circle.
I have learned I am selfish with my time. Having a brain tumour made me look at things from a very different perspective. My time is valuable and I will not waste it.
I engaged in a lengthy discussion with a person regarding people and behaviours. People as a rule are multifaceted. They will show you one side. When you are not around, they may engage in behaviour that you are not comfortable with. That is fine, it is their deal. But as soon as they message me or try to learn things about my friends that I am not willing to share out of respect, that is when I cut them off. I am loyal to the end, but give me a reason not to be and I will not waste my time any longer.
It was at this point I was beginning to feel reprimanded for not wishing to engage in behaviours I don’t feel comfortable with and for my actions that other people don’t like. I am pretty much a nonconformist, I am not easily influenced by other people and I am completely comfortable with people not wanting to be with me for this reason. Why? Because I am an adult, I am comfortable in my own skin and I also like who I have become, but that doesn’t mean you need to.
I experienced a moment of clarity. I looked at this person and realized they were braking up with me. A long and round about conversation about me and my behaviour led to a situation where I was no longer tolerated. Friends do that. They brake up with each other.
I was confused at the time. This person went to great length telling me who was in their inner circle, who was their family and who they would do anything for. I was not included. That is fair. I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I have lots of friends and I know who is loyal to me and who isn’t.
I have spent the last few weeks reflecting on my behaviour. I am honest about my struggles, I have feelings like everyone else, I hope for the best for people and yet there is something about me that caused the need for finality. I know what my faults are, but they are also what make me who I am. I don’t intend to be hurtful, but apparently I am and I am sorry for that. It isn’t intentional.
When I was a kid, I looked up at my grandparents with the knowledge that they were grownups and knew everything and had it all going on. Now I am their age and my life still feels like high school. It makes me tired. I have a feeling that my grandparents didn’t have it all going on, they struggled too. I have watched my parents brake up with ‘friends’ and at the end of the day, you learn who really matters in your life and who doesn’t. My Dad always imparts the greatest wisdom, “You have to do what is right for you. You are not here to please everyone.” So with that, I begin to let go of being a pleaser. The first steps are always the hardest. PLEasing compromises me. I am not turning my back on compassion and kindness, but modifying me to please others is ending today.
Pleasing others and I have Broke up.
I have come a very long way since I started my journey as the Edmonton Tourist. I am not going to be what everyone needs. But I have finally come to the point in my journey where I can honestly say, I am not here to be what you need, I am what I need. That is finally enough for me.
When I started this blog on August 15, 2010, I thought I would have everything solved and I would be ‘fixed’ by the age of 50. While my journey is not yet finished, and I have many more lessons to learn along the way, I know I am enough. I wish you the best and your secrets will always be safe with me because I am a lot of things, both good and bad, but I will always be loyal.